Eating disorder

I have an eating disorder called B.E.D. (Binge Eating Disorder) and it's like living with Bulimia but without throwing up after binging.

When I was 15 my (step)father died and without anyone to turn to for help and no one to talk to I turned to one thing: food, snacks, candy & ice cream. Eating these things were a pleasure and I felt good. Well.. I didnt feel that good after binging. ´

I've had these "attacks" where I tried to starve myself but I only ended up in another binging spree again. Ive gained a lot of weight over the years but I don´t blame anyone for my problem. I don´t blame my weight on my father death or on society.

In a way I'm glad I finally got a diagnosis on my problem because now I know why I behave the way I do and I know what´s wrong with me. When I go through a day when my cravings are really bad I can´t stop eating. If I don´t have anything in the house to eat I behave like a trapped lion, walking around restlessly and I´m very irritated.

I feel like an addict really when this is going on all I can think of is my next "fix".

This is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. The trick is to learn how to live with it without letting my disorder take control of my entire life. I´ve come a long way and it´s been weeks since my last "attack" and now that I´m finally free from my heelspur I can go for walks and my husband is really helping me out when it comes to staying on a diet and he´s bugging me all day to drink more water!

I have a long way to go but now I have a network of people around me who is there for me when I need someone to talk to and my husband is there for me to help me the days when I feel low and hopefully I will finally be free from this one day?

Fast

It’s strange how things just work out. I’ve never really wanted to work at a daycare center but I applied for jobs like that anyway and I got a call back for an interview. I got there and I met the teachers working at this place and I stayed there for 1½ hours and I felt really good about it.

I have this thing about waiting for that phone call telling me if I got the job or not but it came and I got the job! It’s only until the end of May but it’s a job!!! And I start on Monday! :D

My son

A lot has happend.

Last Saturday my son Erik started crying and it took a while to get him to tell us what was wrong - he had a headache. I thought it was strange that a 6-year old would have a headache like this so we called our hospital and talked to this nurse but she didn't think that he needed to see a doctor. Yesterday he woke up with an even worse headache and he spent most of yesterday in his room sleeping and once again we called someone but no.. no need to see a doctor and I was feeling very frustrated!

This morning when he woke up he felt fine so I sent him to school and I went to and interview for a job but when I was done my husband called to tell me that Erik was now at home with him - with a headache again. We couldn't turn on the lights because that made it worse and as soon as we even tried to talk to him in a normal voice he started crying because his head was hurting really bad and this time I wouldn't back down and we finally got an appointment to see a nurse. It took more than 2 hours for 3 different people to take a look at him and also there where a lot of tests done until we finally got to go home. At one point they thought it could be meningitis but thankfully they couldn't find any more of the symptoms for that but Erik is now on penicillin but no one still knows why he is having these headaches.

A new year

and another new years resolution.. I wonder for how long I will be able to keep this one..

But anyway.. I told myself that it was time to start exercising and to eat right and to loose some weight.. I’m not comfortable enough at the moment to tell you my weight but I have lost 1.5 kilo since the first day of this year and I’ve been doing a lot of exercise!

What would life be without gorgeous men to look at while exercising? Since I have two small children there is no way that I’ll be able to go to the gym so I bought an Orbitrek for myself this past Christmas and I enjoy watching Stargate SG-1, Stargate Atlantis and Farscape while sweating like you wouldn’t believe.. *S*

It's been a while

I haven't been around that much lately.

About 2 months ago I got a job as a 5th grade teacher and I've loved every minute of my job. Unfortunally they had to let me go since there was another teacher that had been working longer than me and she needed a new class to work with so today was my last day of work.

I got home today after having said goodbye to my kids and I've been crying a lot because I truly loved my job and I loved this class that unfortunally have been labeled "difficult" but they are such a great group of kids.

I will forever remember these 18 children and they have changed me in more ways than they will ever know and I will never forget them.

There is a secret

The secret of happiness is simple:
be loving, giving, caring.
Why, then, are so many unhappy?

Because they are afraid.

~proverb~

Really disappointed

Only two people showed up today for my son's 6th birthday. I could tell he was really dissapointed.

Everytime he thought he heard a car he ran to the window to see if anyone had arrived but no one did. My heart was breaking over and over for my little boy who just wanted someone to show up on his birthday.

My baby girl

Isn't a baby anymore! Today is her second birthday!

Happy birthday my beautiful little girl! I love you so much!

I got a job today!

It's only for 2 weeks but the teacher that usually have this class is burnt out and she is going to be at home for another 2 weeks and if she can't come back to work after that I'll get even more weeks and month to work at this school!

In a few hours I have to go to that school to my first parent - teacher meeting but thankfully I'm not the one that organized it!

It's been a long day.

My hands are shaking and I can hardly type.

It's been a long day. When I got to work this morning they asked if I could stay an hour longer and I thought I could make it through 3 hours. Then I was asked to stay until 2 - another 3 hours and I said okay.In the end I figured it was a good choice to work for 6 hours today because it kept me from thinking about my mom all the time.

I've had my cell phone with me hoping, praying that no one would call since I figured if anyone called before 6pm then there would be only bad news. At 5 pm my phone rang but it was a friend of mine. Then in the middle of that conversation someone else called but it was only my aunt. We talked for an hour and 5 minutes after I got off the phone with my aunt my stepfather called.

When I answered the phone I thought something bad had happend because his voice where so different but the surgery was a success and my mom is now awake and she's on analgesic. She is going to be out of intensive care by tomorrow and I'll see if it's possible to go and see her on Thursday.

I know she want to see the kids but I don't think it's time for that right now but I'll take them to see her next week.

I'm still shaking and I feel that I need to sit down and just break down into tears. I've forced myself to not cry but I definitly need to do that now.

I've had a great day! :D

I had a home economics class today and it happend to be the same class that I worked with last week and they all came running up to me and they first said that they where so happy to see me and then they asked was that if I could be the teacher to fill in when their ordinary teacher had to go to the hospital for surgery. I simply told them that it was not up to me to decide on which teacher they would get but if I was asked to work with them I'd love to work with this class for two weeks.

Five minutes later their teacher showed up and asked if I was doing something during week 46 & 47 because she needed someone to fill in for her and she had told her boss that she wanted me and no one else - ME! :)

And the best thing is that she is going to leave all the planning of the classes to me and everything and I feel so good about this!

My very first time

Today was the very first time I worked as a teacher in high school and it went great!

The only thing I didn't like was that I didn't have any time to prepare for class so I didn't know what they where working on and how the teacher usually works but I'm now at home preparing for the next two classes of the day. One test (no preparation for me) and then I have physics (had biologi this morning) and now I've prepared a little something to demonstrate sound!

I have 4 classes tomorrow too but one is a test and the second on is a math class but all they have to do then is to go over the misstakes they did the day before (that's the test I'm going to give them today) and work on what they did wrong. And I also have two more classes in physics.

Changes

Should I be nervous about teaching at a high school today? Definitely yes! :D
I got my degree in teaching children from when they start preschool at the age of one until they finish sixth grade but I’ve never worked with teens in high school before but thankfully their teacher has organized everything for me so all I have to do is to show up and give them their assignments. It can’t be that bad – hopefully! :D

Both of my children started preschool/school at different places than befors and my son is now in kindergarten and he loves it! He has grown so much in the last couple of weeks. He has a lot of old friends from preschool with him but I’ve seen a lot of changes in which kids he is playing with. I never had any problems with dropping him off at his preschool but the first time I dropped my son of at kindergarten I stayed and watch him walk over to the school and it hit me – my son is really growing up a lot faster than I ever could imagine. I felt like a proud mom while watching my boy walk away to meet his friends. I also felt a little bit sad as well because soon enough he will not need me to be there all the time for him. The change is coming and change is a good thing… most of the time. :)

My daughter has been moved to a new preschool this semester. So instead of a ten minute drive to her preschool I now have a ten minute walk to drop her off. At her last preschool she was very shy and she didn’t do much more than to sit in a corner reading a book or walking around. I always felt the old preschool was better with a better playground outside for the children but then she moved. At this new preschool she already know two of her teachers since they where also her brothers teachers for three years. There has been a dramatic change in her and she is so much more active at this new place. I didn’t really expect that – I can’t actually say why that is but she seems to be a lot happier now.

scared

Yesterday I thought that my leg felt "weird" and by the evening it started to ache.

A few years ago I had a blod clot in my right calf and this weird sensation I'm experince is placed in the same place as that time. My health centre was closed so at 9:45 pm I had to go to the next town to a hospital there and to that health centre. I spent an hour in a room and this doctor probed my leg and she decided to send me to out closest city and to the ER.I got there around midnight and yet again I had a doctor that examined my leg, had my second EKG, more blood tests and examinations.

This doctor also thought that I might have a new blood clot but maybe not as big as the first one which also travelled to both of my lungs and I almost died that time. They wanted to give me an injection but I asked to do it myself and they let me do that.. I've taken these injections for months both after my first blood clot and also when I was pregnant with Emma..But instead of keeping me at the hospital so that I could have more tests done today they sent me home at 2 am in a cab and it's a 60 kilometer drive home!

Thankfully you only pay about 5 US dollars if a hospital sends for a cab like this because otherwise we would have payed over 75 dollars for that trip... We've kept Emma home from daycare today since I don't know when I'm supposed to go back to the hospital but Erik is at school but thankfully I got in touch with his best friend's mom and she is going to pick him up today and he can stay with them until I get back home - whenever that will be...

Never forget September 11, 2001

Her hair was up in a ponytail
Her favourite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
And she couldn't wait to go.

But her Mommy tried to tell her,
That she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
If she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;
She knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
Of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried,
For her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
She tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school,
Eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees
A dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back,
For everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
Anxious in their seats.

One by one the teacher called,
A student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
As seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
Every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
For a man who wasn't there.

"Where's her daddy at?"
She heard a boy call out.
"She probably doesn't have one,"
Another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,
She heard a mummy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad,
Too busy to waste his day.

"The words did not offend her,
As she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher,
Who told her to go on.

And with hands behind her back,
Slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
Came words incredibly unique.

"My Daddy couldn't be here,
Because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
Since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
And how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories
He taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
And taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,
And ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him,
I'm not standing here alone.

"Cause my daddy's always with me,
Even though we are apart
I know because he told me,
He'll forever be in my heart"

With that, her little hand reached up,
And lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
Beneath her favourite dress.

And from somewhere in the crowd of dads,
Her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
Who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love
Of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
Doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down,
Staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
But its message clear and loud.

"I love my daddy very much,
He's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here,
But heaven's just too far.

You see he was a fireman
And died just this past year
When airplanes hit the towers
And taught Americans to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes,
It's like he never went away."
And then she closed her eyes,
And saw him there that day.

And to her mother's amazement,
She witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
All starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them,
Who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
They saw him at her side.

"I know you're with me Daddy,"
To the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
Of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,
For each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
Was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
By the love of her shining bright star.
And given the gift of believing,
That heaven is never too far

author unknown

They say it takes a minute to find a special person,

an hour to appreciate them,

a day to love them,
but then an entire life to forget them.

Take the time...to live and love.
Until eternity. God bless.

What did you do that day..

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was driving home with my 10 month old son in the car when I heard about something that had happend in New York but I couldn't make any sense to what they where saying. It took me a long time to realize what they where talking about and as soon as I got home I sat down in front of the TV with my husband and a friend of ours and I was chocked. I couldn't take my eyes off the TV but after 5-6 hours I had to tell my husband to turn it off because I couldn't deal with the news and I needed time to think, to clear my head.

The world came to a halt and it was like time stood still. I cried for all the husbands and wives that had lost someone they loved, for the children for loosing a parent, for all the mothers & fathers & friends & families who would never see the ones they love again.

This was the day when the world lost it's innocence because it wasn't 'only' something that had happend to USA because the world was affected by this and it will never be the same for any of us again.

OMG

I got a phone call today from a principle in a nearby city and they need a teacher in a nursery group with 8 children, age 1-3 years old, and 2 teachers and they want to see me on Wednesday!

This is not the age of children I'm supposed to work with since I am a 1-6th grade teacher but it's a full time job for 3 months and I hope I'll get it. I need to - want to work and I don't want to be stuck at home anymore just waiting for something to do!

We’re in the process of changing nursery group for our daughter and she is now at a place a lot closer to our house and this job offer could not have come in a better time since now we really don’t need the car to drive the kids to and from school/nursery and I can take the car to work until we can find a cheap car to buy for me so I don’t have to take the mini-van everyday.

All I have to do now is to wait for the phone call from the person who is now working in this group and she is going to let me know when and where to meet her. I’m so nervous!

Dogs and horses - and lots of 'em!

I took the kids to see my mom and sister today. My husband was supposed to come with us - heck, it was his idea - but he caught a cold yesterday and he stayed at home instead. What is it about men - well, at least my husband - who act like they are dying once they get a cold? ;)


Before going to the track we went to pick up my mom and after the initial chock of 4 happy dogs greeting you at the door my daughter took her time to cuddle with Bella. I guess that if it had been up to my daughter we would have to bring that dog home with us! My mom has a kennel and now and then when we stop by they have a bunch of puppies and they are so cute! I'm not getting a dog when my children are this young because it would not be fair to the dog because I don't have the time I need to take care of a dog right now.

Anyway. My sister started in one race today (#2) and she actually won the race and 1200 SEK (1 USD = 7.1 SEK) which is pretty good for a days work! :) I saw the photo of her at the finishing line and she was pretty happy with this big victory gesture! :D She did great and this was her last time racing a pony and she is now moving on to bigger horses. What a great way to finish that part of her career racing small horses!

This is so typical of my sister.. it's her trying to hide her face.. actually - she did a pretty good job! Now let me introduce you to the horse Hampus and riding the horse is my son! The first time he rode today was when my sister took him and the horse for a walk. She was in charge of pony riding for kids after her race. Later on when we got back my sister asked me if I could take over because she had to go do something and I ended up doing her job for 45 minutes but she got paid for it! :D

My son came back twice to ride the horse again. I'm really glad that my mom lives an hour away because otherwise my son would now be a permanent guest at the stable where my sister is working! ;)

Welcome to my corner

We went to IKEA today to buy some bookcases and we started moving furniture around and I felt that I had to get my workstation out of the hallway because I felt in the way out there whenever people tried to pass when I was working on my computer.

So now I have my own little corner in the livingroom and it's much better then where it used to be.

Life - the ultimate roller coaster ride

Another phone call and today it was from my mother. I got a text message from her yesterday that she wanted to know if we where going to be at home today because she needed to talk to me. When she called she told me that she is now waiting for an operation but it wasn’t on her toe. She went to the hospital a few days ago and there they saw that the main artery is completely blocked and they have to go in at the belly button and somehow replace the artery from there down to both her legs. This condition is also hereditary and me, my siblings and my kids should go and see a doctor. My mom has been calling relatives since she found out to see if anyone has even heard of this or had any problems themselves but so far no one has even heard of it.

She didn’t say anything about the risks of this operation but I’m scared to death. My younger sister is only 15 – exactly the same age I was when my stepfather (and my sister’s father) died. Now all we can do is to wait for her to get the time and date for the operation and hope for the best…