I do not like this - at all!

Yesterday the weather was great and I spent 2½ hours walking on different paths in the woods close to where I live and it was magical.

This morning I woke up with a cold, headache and I just knew there was no way I was ever going to be able to go to church so the kids and I stayed at home. When my husband woke up we just had to go grocery shopping if we wanted to survive this weekend. When we finally got home I was so tired I actually felt sick.

I grabbed a book and brought it with me to the livingroom and sat down to read while also drinking tons of fluid. Now it's close to midnight and all of the painkillers I've been taking today is going to keep me up all night.. which means that I'm going to be just as tired tomorrow as I am today.

That bitch!

Last night I found out that someone we knew lured my son and his friend to her apartment for some ice-cream! He has no idea of who she is and hubby wants to have nothing to do with her since she turned our lives into a living hell for so many years and now she takes advatage of the fact that Erik has a friend that he loves to play with only a few hundred

meters from her and this is the first time she got them to follow her home - the last time she tried something like this Erik came home crying and he was so scared!

Erik's room!

Unfortunally I can't show you the short vid I made of his room since I use his real name in the vid I made and not the name I'm using on this site but the room has transformed from a junk-room into a great room for a 6-year old!

There were a few people who didn't think that Erik would ever sleep alone downstairs in the basement but he absolutely did and he loves his room.

- And so does his mother! There is finally peace and quiet in the house. Erik can take his friends and go downstairs to his room leaving his little sister upstairs. Now she can't bother them and make a lot of fuss when Erik and his friends are not willing to let her join in the fun!

And I'm back.

I just packed things that the kids and I would need for 4 days and got in my car and drove down to my dad's house by the sea and I was so confused. During that time our friend spoke with my husband and he said that he didn't know if he even wanted to work things out and stay together anymore.

I got back home this past Tuesday and that same evening our friend and I drove over to our house and we talked for a couple of hours. I can't say that things improved much but there where things I got to say and demand for all of this to work and one thing was that I was going to be able to have one day a week all to myself - no questions asked! And I got it! Over these two days things have improved a little but there is still a long way to go but at least there is hope...

update

I've tried talking to my husband about this but he just doesn't get it.

And the more I go on about it the more he thinks I annoy him. I left the house early Tuesday afternoon and he is still not talking to me unless I force him to say something but then he only answer in as few words as possible.

My friend is coming home tomorrow evening hopefully and I'll get to see them at church on Sunday. And I do hope they can help me with this.




But it's not all bad. I have to tell you about my day and. I took the kids to a playground this morning and we stayed for a few hours. After that we went home and had lunch - Erik made it for us. Not long after that we left for the beach and it's not really the kind of weather where you would like to go swimming but I figured that the kids would like to play with the sand and the water anyway. Before we went home we went for a walk at a "stone-troll-path" (translated directly from swedish to english), got lost but managed to find our way back home. There where tons and tons of blueberries out in the forrest and the kids looked like smurfs when we got back home.

The kids and I have had a fantastic day today and tomorrow we are leaving for a place that the kids have never been to but one that I loved as a child and there are wonderful playgrounds here and animals to pet and it's all in canyon where you can climb up and down the walls of it. I hope the weather will be as nice tomorrow as it has been today.. And of course I will post pics of that as well.

Couldn't take it anymore

This is not going to be easy for me to write about but this past Tuesday I suffered a complete breakdown and I left my kids and my family for 2 days not telling them where I went. I just had to get out of the house to breath. I did call my mother-in-law before making that desicion to ask if they could look after the kids for a few days and they had no problem with doing just that.

But here goes:
Emma has really huge temper tantrums and she is still acting the same way. Erik has also begun to test me a lot lately and while my husband can go to work, to to the gym, go out with friends to party or to go to the movies with his sister I stay at home with the kids with no time at all to be alone or to do something I want to do. For a couple of weeks now I've begun to feel really stressed out and this is getting to me.

And so this past Tuesday I started crying and I raised my voice. My husband came running screaming from the bedroom and yelled at me for doing this. I started hyperventilating and at one point I thougt that I was going to pass out. Somehow I got hold of my car keys, my wallet, my cellphone and a bottle of water and I took the car, drove to a parkinglot and I sat there and cried and my whole body was shaking. I finally managed to call a friend and I talked with her for 30 minutes.

Then I called my mother-in-law to ask if they could look after the children for a few days, went over to their house and dropped a few things off and drove away not knowing where. After about an hour I figured I could go to my grandparents grave so I went there and sat on a bench overlooking a lake for 2 hours. After that I went to see a house I used to live in and I also went to an old settlement that was used a century ago in the summer for cattle and live-stock. At around 9:30 I got back home, went to sleep and as soon as I woke up I left again but this time I went over to a friend's house and spent the day and night there. I got back home this morning at 9.

During all of this time my husband never called to ask me where I was or how I was doing. According to my mother-in-law he was really angry with me because of my behaviour. Early this afternoon I went to pick the kids up and got home this evening and still he isn't talking to me but at least I feel rested and being away from my family for 2 days has restored a lot of energy in me and I feel so much more at peace with myself. In a few days a friend is going to stop by to try to talk some sense into him and this friend is probably the only person who is capable of doing just that and I just have to have faith that he is going to be able to help us.

For a long period of time I've felt like I've been stuck in a prison with no way of getting out of it and I desperatly needed a few hours to myself and now I'm calm and relaxed. And I now know that my husband will never change. He will never make an effort to take care of his children a few more hours now and then in order for me to get a chance to relax and unwind.

The summer is here!

Tell me about it!

It's so frellin' hot that you can hardly walk outside the house! It's just insane!!!

And here we are - working on a third bedroom so that Erik can have a bedroom of his own. :D

The last day

Today was the last day I worked at this place. What I'm going to miss are the children and also knowing that I have a job to go to in the morning.

My kids and I are going to have the whole summer to ourselves.

About this job

I've come to learn realize that I do enjoy working with children of this age. I tried it when I was younger but I hated every minute of the two weeks I had to go to that job but it could also have something to do with the fact that my co-workers made it very clear that they didn't want me there.

That can make a huge impact on a 21-year old.

One more month

I'm getting closer and closer to the end of this job and I have no idea if they are going to let me stay or not. In all honesty I don't think I would want to stay.

Only a few days before my birthday we were supposed to have this meeting and it turned out that my boss and a co-worker sat there critiqued me for a couple of hours. Some of it I can honestly say where legit but they wouldn't even let me defend myself when it came to the things I felt was wrong and things that were taken out of proportion...

That Friday I went home and I cried for 2½ days straight.

Not the first time

It's not the first time he's like this. My husband always behave like this if things doesn't turn out the way he expected them to.

He expects everyone to know exactly what it is he wants without having to say it out loud. We've been to a counsellor to try to get him to explain to us all why he thinks it's okay to walk away from his responsibilities.

He is a person who only thinks about himself. We usually visit his dad every two weeks and from the time he wakes up in the morning until the time when I think we have to leave he is either at his computer or watching TV.. when I then tell him to get ready he tells me that he's going to the gym before we can leave.

It then takes an hour or so for him to even leave the house and the workout takes about 2 hours.. we usually leave the house around 4 pm and it's a 30 minute drive to his dad.He never helps out with everything that needs to be done in the house: cooking, dishes, laundry, take care of the children. Somehow he thinks that's my responsibility and if I tell him to actually help out a little he then starts acting like a two-year-old again! This is something that happens on a regular basis and it's driving me insane!

A few months ago my father called to tell me that he was coming over in a few days and I immediately started to clean the house that morning he was coming over. I saw that he picked up the trash but I never saw him come back inside..

I went out in the hallway to take a look and saw that he had taken his gym-bag with him and left for the gym leaving me to take care of the house, preparing for dinner and left me in charge of both kids 2 hours before my dad was supposed to get here. I tried calling him but he didn't answer so I called a friend of his and told him what was going on so this friend went over to the gym and told him to come home.

A few minutes later I got a text message from my husband telling me that he wasn't coming home until he was done working out! I simply sent him a message back that if he did that he could just come home to sign the divorce papers!He came home 30 minutes later and he was furious! Like I said.. this happens now and then and and in between these neanderthal behaviours of his he act more his age but he still has a problem with actually having to do things for someone but himself but I actually blame his mom for that.. and that's another long story but I'll just save that one for later..

Grumpy old men.

This is about my "wonderful" husband.

I grabbed a cup at his desk a few days ago and as always it was full of coffee so I basically drenched the mouse with coffee and it's now dead! Hubby not very happy about that but he got his old mouse out and he's now using it.

That morning he went for a 1½ hour walk and later he went to the gym for more than 2 hours while I had to bake cookies and two pies and take care of the kids, lunch and get everything ready for that evening when we where going to some friends for dinner.

When my husband gets grumpy he can stay like that for days and in the process the kids will be irritated and basically we're all snapping at each other for a week or so.

When he got home from the gym he expected that I would have had everything done by then but I still had to take a shower and so did Emma and I still had to get all of Emma's things ready before we had to go but there was no way he was going to help me get ready. He simply declared that he was not going to come with us, took off his shoes and sat down by his computer and started sulking like a two year old!

I finally managed to get everything in the car and the kids where ready to go but he refused to come with us. I simply lost it and told him that Sarah and I had been trying to find a weekend to get together and if it had not been for the fact that her husband wanted to see him I would go by myself. I told him to act his age and quit that childish behavior and get his shoes on and get in the car!A few minutes later while I was getting the kids in the car he got in himself but he didn't even look at me and it was completely quiet the whole drive over to our friends.

My mother-in-law called a few days ago to ask if we where going to be at home today and they are going to be here soon. I had to clean the entire house myself because my husband is still acting like an immature child and he's sitting either by his computer or in the livingroom - sulking!

and I'm 31

A year ago I went through the worst crisis ever! I had a hard time accepting that I was going to turn 30 but today I turn 31 and I'm fine with it now. :D

Say happy birthday! :-)

What does my birth date mean?

Your Birthdate: March 25

You excel at anything difficult or high tech. In other words, you're a total (brilliant) geek. It's difficult for you to find people worth spending time with. Which is probably why you'll take over the world with your evil robots! Your strength: Your unfailing logic Your weakness: Loving machines more than people Your power color: Tan Your power symbol: Pi Your power month: July

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Eating disorder

I have an eating disorder called B.E.D. (Binge Eating Disorder) and it's like living with Bulimia but without throwing up after binging.

When I was 15 my (step)father died and without anyone to turn to for help and no one to talk to I turned to one thing: food, snacks, candy & ice cream. Eating these things were a pleasure and I felt good. Well.. I didnt feel that good after binging. ´

I've had these "attacks" where I tried to starve myself but I only ended up in another binging spree again. Ive gained a lot of weight over the years but I don´t blame anyone for my problem. I don´t blame my weight on my father death or on society.

In a way I'm glad I finally got a diagnosis on my problem because now I know why I behave the way I do and I know what´s wrong with me. When I go through a day when my cravings are really bad I can´t stop eating. If I don´t have anything in the house to eat I behave like a trapped lion, walking around restlessly and I´m very irritated.

I feel like an addict really when this is going on all I can think of is my next "fix".

This is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. The trick is to learn how to live with it without letting my disorder take control of my entire life. I´ve come a long way and it´s been weeks since my last "attack" and now that I´m finally free from my heelspur I can go for walks and my husband is really helping me out when it comes to staying on a diet and he´s bugging me all day to drink more water!

I have a long way to go but now I have a network of people around me who is there for me when I need someone to talk to and my husband is there for me to help me the days when I feel low and hopefully I will finally be free from this one day?

Fast

It’s strange how things just work out. I’ve never really wanted to work at a daycare center but I applied for jobs like that anyway and I got a call back for an interview. I got there and I met the teachers working at this place and I stayed there for 1½ hours and I felt really good about it.

I have this thing about waiting for that phone call telling me if I got the job or not but it came and I got the job! It’s only until the end of May but it’s a job!!! And I start on Monday! :D

My son

A lot has happend.

Last Saturday my son Erik started crying and it took a while to get him to tell us what was wrong - he had a headache. I thought it was strange that a 6-year old would have a headache like this so we called our hospital and talked to this nurse but she didn't think that he needed to see a doctor. Yesterday he woke up with an even worse headache and he spent most of yesterday in his room sleeping and once again we called someone but no.. no need to see a doctor and I was feeling very frustrated!

This morning when he woke up he felt fine so I sent him to school and I went to and interview for a job but when I was done my husband called to tell me that Erik was now at home with him - with a headache again. We couldn't turn on the lights because that made it worse and as soon as we even tried to talk to him in a normal voice he started crying because his head was hurting really bad and this time I wouldn't back down and we finally got an appointment to see a nurse. It took more than 2 hours for 3 different people to take a look at him and also there where a lot of tests done until we finally got to go home. At one point they thought it could be meningitis but thankfully they couldn't find any more of the symptoms for that but Erik is now on penicillin but no one still knows why he is having these headaches.

A new year

and another new years resolution.. I wonder for how long I will be able to keep this one..

But anyway.. I told myself that it was time to start exercising and to eat right and to loose some weight.. I’m not comfortable enough at the moment to tell you my weight but I have lost 1.5 kilo since the first day of this year and I’ve been doing a lot of exercise!

What would life be without gorgeous men to look at while exercising? Since I have two small children there is no way that I’ll be able to go to the gym so I bought an Orbitrek for myself this past Christmas and I enjoy watching Stargate SG-1, Stargate Atlantis and Farscape while sweating like you wouldn’t believe.. *S*

It's been a while

I haven't been around that much lately.

About 2 months ago I got a job as a 5th grade teacher and I've loved every minute of my job. Unfortunally they had to let me go since there was another teacher that had been working longer than me and she needed a new class to work with so today was my last day of work.

I got home today after having said goodbye to my kids and I've been crying a lot because I truly loved my job and I loved this class that unfortunally have been labeled "difficult" but they are such a great group of kids.

I will forever remember these 18 children and they have changed me in more ways than they will ever know and I will never forget them.

There is a secret

The secret of happiness is simple:
be loving, giving, caring.
Why, then, are so many unhappy?

Because they are afraid.

~proverb~