Apartment sorted.

I got a call this past Friday about the apartment and it’s mine. It felt like a huge load had been lifted from my shoulders and we’re now moving in about 2-3 weeks. My dad called and offered me his kitchen table, couch and two chairs along with his desk, my mom had been looking for an excuse to buy a new TV so I’m getting her old TV and she is also going to buy something to place it on. A friend has a couple of beds that he needs to get rid of and I’m getting one for myself – everything is more or less taken care of.

But like I wrote to a friend of mine today, all this stress has started to affect my short term memory. I can make plans with someone and then forget what we talked about only an hour or so later. A few days ago I was driving down the freeway like I have done so many times and I missed my exit. I had to keep on driving for more than 30 kilometers before I could find somewhere to get off and to turn back. On top of that I was running out of gas and I didn’t even know if I was going to make it to the next gas station. Luckily I did and we got home safe and sound but an hour later than we were supposed to.

I’ve had the best help I can get from friends and family but I still feel so alone and vulnerable. I don’t know when I’ve slept for more than a few hours at the time at night. The other night I woke up at 4 am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I worry about my children and how am I going to be able to take care of them as a single parent. Anyone who knows my daughter can vouch for me when I say that I have a wonderful daughter but she does have a temper like nothing you’ve ever seen before. My son is more delicate. He’s emotional and he is beginning to withdraw himself from everyone. Emma on the other hand couldn’t care less of what is going on but she’s not even 4 so she doesn’t understand but Eric is 7 and he does understand a lot more.
Last night both of my children fell asleep on the couch so we all slept there that night. My back was sore when I woke up but my children really needed to be close to a parent that night so I decided not to take them back to their beds as soon as they had fallen asleep next to me.

Update

I tried calling the land lord this past Thursday but they refused to tell me if the problem with the neighbour was going to get resolved in the near future but I was given a phone number to the man in charge of that neighbourhood. When I called this man I was told that this next door neighbour has been evicted and he is moving out in about a month so I decided to take the apartment.

That same evening I had to tell my children that we are moving. It’s not fair that I had to do all that on my own. I couldn’t help it but I started crying and even though my daughter flat out yelled that she didn’t want to see her daddy I had to try to keep a positive vibe to it all. Of course they are going to see their father as much as possible and the reason to why we’re separating is that mom and dad are only fighting these days and that it’s better for everyone that we live separately but that we still love our children very much.

Eric is talking about moving a lot. It seems like he is looking forward to it. Emma doesn’t say that much but I’ve notice this past few months that my children have changed. Eric is more withdrawn and cries a lot and Emma insists on sleeping on the couch with me and not in her own bed. I can’t say if I’ve seen changes in them these past few days.

I feel like the bad guy here. I can’t say that this separation was my idea or if it was something that had to be done anyway. It was probably a little bit of both.

I still worry about how we’re going to be able to deal with everything as soon as this is over. I’m going to be all alone with my children and I alone have to answer all of their questions and being a single parent full time.

Pay It Forward

I will send a handmade gift to the first 3 people who leave a comment on my blog requesting to join this PIF exchange. I don't know what that gift will be yet and you may not receive it tomorrow or next week, but you will receive it within 365 days, that is my promise! The only thing you have to do in return is pay it forward by making the same promise on your blog.

De tre första som lämnar en kommentar till detta inlägg kommer att få ett paket med någonting som jag har gjort och som det står i texten ovan: Kanske inte imorgon eller om en vecka, men du kommer att få ett litet paket inom 365 dagar, det lovar jag och allt du behöver göra är att skicka vidare genom att lova samma sak på din blogg samt såklart lämna en kommentar här!

How much more..

must I endure?

At times I don't feel that I can go on a minute longer. I cry myself to sleep at night and yesterday evening I broke down. I couldn't figure out how to support myself and my two children on the money I get every month. At the moment I'm doing alright but that will only last for a couple of months. I stopped looking at one bedroom apartments and went on to look for a studio. I broke down in tears in front of a friend yesterday but by the end of that conversation I was told that if I ever need help with paying my rent or buying groceries they know of an organisation that is willing to help me out until we can get back on our feet. A huge load was lifted from my shoulders and I'm now looking for slightly larger apartments again as per instructed.

I found one today and I was so happy about it. It's a little out of my price range but the electricity was included in the rent. I went to take a look and it's absolutely great - apart from one small detail: the next door neighbour. After being told what goes on at the apartment next door at night I've decided not to take that apartment and I'm now again looking for somewhere to stay.

At least I've got school and daycare figured out already.

It's over now.

Tonight I confronted him with all the evidence I had on him. He had every chance to come clean before I did this but he just flat out denied everything. He never showed any remorse or took any responsibility for his actions what so ever.

I have no idea of how to tell my children that mom and dad are getting divorced and that we're moving to a new city and they have to change school/pre-school because of all this.

At some point I have to stop crying but I'm not there yet...