Signing on..

We moved to our new apartment a week ago today and I'm surprised myself that I've been able to deal with all of this as well as I have lately. My children are doing fine most of the time. Emma does tend to scream a lot more and she's testing me to the extreme at times and Eric is more sensitive than her and he cries more easily.

The thing I was the most worried about was not knowing if I was going to be able to cope with two small children on my own but I felt just as lonely while I was still living with their father. In some way I guess I feel a little happier now. Maybe not happier but more at peace...

How much more..

must I endure?

At times I don't feel that I can go on a minute longer. I cry myself to sleep at night and yesterday evening I broke down. I couldn't figure out how to support myself and my two children on the money I get every month. At the moment I'm doing alright but that will only last for a couple of months. I stopped looking at one bedroom apartments and went on to look for a studio. I broke down in tears in front of a friend yesterday but by the end of that conversation I was told that if I ever need help with paying my rent or buying groceries they know of an organisation that is willing to help me out until we can get back on our feet. A huge load was lifted from my shoulders and I'm now looking for slightly larger apartments again as per instructed.

I found one today and I was so happy about it. It's a little out of my price range but the electricity was included in the rent. I went to take a look and it's absolutely great - apart from one small detail: the next door neighbour. After being told what goes on at the apartment next door at night I've decided not to take that apartment and I'm now again looking for somewhere to stay.

At least I've got school and daycare figured out already.

It's over now.

Tonight I confronted him with all the evidence I had on him. He had every chance to come clean before I did this but he just flat out denied everything. He never showed any remorse or took any responsibility for his actions what so ever.

I have no idea of how to tell my children that mom and dad are getting divorced and that we're moving to a new city and they have to change school/pre-school because of all this.

At some point I have to stop crying but I'm not there yet...

I'm not obsessed. I promise!

My mom and my sister have both been bugging me to do some work on two websites and they had every right to do so. I was supposed to do this a long time ago but I'd always forgotten to do what I promised to do.

The problem is that I have everything I need but not all in one computer. I've got different programs in either computer and photos in three (some in my husband's computer too). I've got e-mail with instructions on one computer and my ftp-program on the other... you get the drift.

To make a long story short - no one has been able to sit down and eat at our kitchen table and all parents out there cover your eyes now because I'm going to tell everyone that we've been sitting infront of the TV in the livingroom to eat today! :D I know. I'm a terrible mom!

It took me almost 10 hours to get most of the work done today and this is me signing off. *bye*

*goodnight*

and yes.. both computers are mine.. *still trying to convince everyone out there I'm not obsessed* ;)

Life, stuff and more.

Tomorrow is my last day of work at my old work-place and on Wednesday I'll start my new job. I'm both looking forward to starting this new job but I'm going to miss the kids a lot. I actually started crying the other day while I was saying goodbye to a little girl. I can't belive I've had that job for 7 months and now I'm leaving for a new preschool.

I'm not sure if I have written anything about how things are between my husband and myself. For a very long time we've been co-existing within the same space but we haven't even talked to each other or anything. A few days ago I simply lost my temper and told him if my husband wanted a divorce and a way out of this I could simply just print out the documents needed for a divorce and we'd be done. After that things have been a litte better and we can now even spend time in the same room. I'm still not sure of what I want to do.

And I turned 32 the other day. Yeehaa. Well.. almost. :) My kids gave me two cookbooks because they now that cookbooks are a real obsession of mine. Erik gave me one called "Barbeque" and Emma gave me "deserts". I just love my kids! :)

Longing for Christmas

A couple of months ago we decided to transform the junkroom in our basement into a bedroom for our son and in the process of moving everything from one room to the other all of my christmas decorations got lost and I can't find them. I've had these love/hate feelings when it comes to this particular holiday but this year I wanted to decorate the house and get a tree - only to discover that I couldn't even find anything to decorate with but I managed to buy a few things and the house is now decorated - not in a traditional swedish christmas decorated theme but my own version of a cozy christmas.

And as of today I'm unemployed again. The strange thing is even though I had a hard time saying goodbye to the kids I feel I need to take some time off to get back on track once more. There is a reason for why no new entries have been made but I can't talk about them since there is an investigation going on concerning things that has happend at my job. All I can say is that I am not involved myself. Well I kind of am but only as a witness and the fact that I had to write a statement about a cople of things.

I can't say that I'm looking forward going through the process of getting a new job again but I try to tell myself that there is a meaning to why things happen. Like this thing at work - there was a reason to why I got this job and not any of the other 3 that I could have gotten 3-4 months ago and there is someone/a workplace out there who needs me and fate will lead me to that special place.

Snow wonder

Even before I opened my eyes this morning I knew that there was something special about this day and I was right. As I pulled the curtains aside I just stood there in awe and saw the snowflakes slowly falling to the ground. I just love the snow! I’m like a child on Christmas Eve. The drive to work was a bore since there is something about the snow that makes a lot of people really nervous about driving. I can’t really understand why when we live in a part of the world where the ground is covered with this beautiful white blanket for up to five months a year.


All of a sudden I was 12 again, waiting for my friends to come over so we could start digging in the snow, making fortresses, throwing snow-balls at each other and all I could think of was that I wanted to go outside to make snow-angels but I had to go to work.



In 7 hours we got almost 5 centimeters of snow and by the time I got to go home the road had started to close up. This far up in the northern hemisphere it get’s dark really soon in the winter and today was no exception. I got home around 5 pm and by then it was almost pitch black outside but it didn’t stop me and my children to get dressed and run outside. As usual my snow-hating husband refused to come with us but my children and I had a great time!

Cactus of the week

You can either send in an add to give someone a virtual rose if they have done something for you or you can send in to give someone a thorn or a cactus. Something tells me that the “cactus of the week” I read in one of our add-papers was for me and my husband and frankly – I don’t care! I started to laugh at work today when I read it because this is just ridiculous!

I can’t give you all the details – maybe because I can’t remember all of them myself because this has been going on for almost 7 years now. And by giving you information about what the cactus was for I’m also revealing too much of myself and my family.

But I can pass along one thing that was written and also reply to that – there where so many things in this “cactus of the week” but one thing that we got a cactus for was that this person is sending my son money for every birthday and also sends my son’s photo and a happy birthday wish to the local newspaper to print on his birthday. And the cactus was for us not thanking for the money. In my opinion giving money is NOT a substitute for giving my son love, a hug or just visiting them. And then another thing – the money and photo thing is only given to my son and not both children and that is also a huge reason to why we’re not getting down on our knees, kissing this person’s feet for every dollar that is given to our son!

My husband has made some decisions to keep his family as safe from harm as possible. He himself has done a couple of very difficult choices and there are people out there who can’t accept that because it is an inconvenience to them.

Sometimes I feel like my children are being used in some evil scheme only to satisfy one person – with the help of plenty of friends and family who are to blind to see that they are being used themselves.

Today’s rant

My husband turns 40 on October 22nd and I've been planning this dinner for him for a very long time. I only invited our closest friends, his family and also a few people from my family. So far all of our friends have contacted me telling me if they are coming or not and so have all of the relatives on my side.

There are still 6 hours to go before the end of today and today was the last day for everyone to tell me if they are coming or not - so far none of my husband's relatives - dad, stepmother, 2 sisters with husbands and kids have either e-mailed, called or stent me a text message telling me that they are coming.

So I guess that there will only be our friends and my family at this surprise dinner party on the 13th.

update: only 2 hours before midnight two more families called to tell me that they are coming. Now all I have to do is to get shopping! :)

Big brother is watching.

It is interesting to see that people think they can write anything online and that they don't understand that everything they do may have consequences. Just take this woman that we called in last week to fill in where I work at the moment. At one point she and I started talking about the Internet and forums for parents and such. She suddenly mentions this particular forum that I am also a member at so I thought that I should just see if I can find her on that forum. It took me about a minute or two to find her. Now here’s the problem.

In posts in the forum I can find different statements about her child’s preschool. It’s not the one I work at but I know people who work there and this young woman is quite verbal and in some posts she is really annoyed with her child’s teachers, and when I started to read her own presentation amongst other things she states that she has been arrested. Now I know that she has never been convicted of anything because if you are going to work in childcare or at a school in this country you have to produce a document from the police saying that you are not convicted of a fellony and she had this document. But just reading that she has been arrested and the fact that she does speak a lot about co-workers of mine and on top of it all: she uses her own name and her child’s name in her presentation so anyone who knows her or has any idea of where she lives can easily find out which person she is talking about.

And then another thing – the facebook hype has hit this country too! I found a long lost friend in there. It turned out that he had registered only a week before me and then as soon as I became a member I started looking up old friends and I found this guy! I’ve been looking for him for a while but now he’s found. :D The other thing is that I’m not to crazy about finding out things about people only because I happen to take a quick glance at their presentation. Just today I found out that my father has apparently broken up with his girlfriend. I don’t expect him to give me a call or anything but just send me a message so I don’t say something I shouldn’t the next time I talk to him.

That’s all from me today.

Goodnight

That bitch!

Last night I found out that someone we knew lured my son and his friend to her apartment for some ice-cream! He has no idea of who she is and hubby wants to have nothing to do with her since she turned our lives into a living hell for so many years and now she takes advatage of the fact that Erik has a friend that he loves to play with only a few hundred

meters from her and this is the first time she got them to follow her home - the last time she tried something like this Erik came home crying and he was so scared!

Not the first time

It's not the first time he's like this. My husband always behave like this if things doesn't turn out the way he expected them to.

He expects everyone to know exactly what it is he wants without having to say it out loud. We've been to a counsellor to try to get him to explain to us all why he thinks it's okay to walk away from his responsibilities.

He is a person who only thinks about himself. We usually visit his dad every two weeks and from the time he wakes up in the morning until the time when I think we have to leave he is either at his computer or watching TV.. when I then tell him to get ready he tells me that he's going to the gym before we can leave.

It then takes an hour or so for him to even leave the house and the workout takes about 2 hours.. we usually leave the house around 4 pm and it's a 30 minute drive to his dad.He never helps out with everything that needs to be done in the house: cooking, dishes, laundry, take care of the children. Somehow he thinks that's my responsibility and if I tell him to actually help out a little he then starts acting like a two-year-old again! This is something that happens on a regular basis and it's driving me insane!

A few months ago my father called to tell me that he was coming over in a few days and I immediately started to clean the house that morning he was coming over. I saw that he picked up the trash but I never saw him come back inside..

I went out in the hallway to take a look and saw that he had taken his gym-bag with him and left for the gym leaving me to take care of the house, preparing for dinner and left me in charge of both kids 2 hours before my dad was supposed to get here. I tried calling him but he didn't answer so I called a friend of his and told him what was going on so this friend went over to the gym and told him to come home.

A few minutes later I got a text message from my husband telling me that he wasn't coming home until he was done working out! I simply sent him a message back that if he did that he could just come home to sign the divorce papers!He came home 30 minutes later and he was furious! Like I said.. this happens now and then and and in between these neanderthal behaviours of his he act more his age but he still has a problem with actually having to do things for someone but himself but I actually blame his mom for that.. and that's another long story but I'll just save that one for later..

Really disappointed

Only two people showed up today for my son's 6th birthday. I could tell he was really dissapointed.

Everytime he thought he heard a car he ran to the window to see if anyone had arrived but no one did. My heart was breaking over and over for my little boy who just wanted someone to show up on his birthday.

It's been a long day.

My hands are shaking and I can hardly type.

It's been a long day. When I got to work this morning they asked if I could stay an hour longer and I thought I could make it through 3 hours. Then I was asked to stay until 2 - another 3 hours and I said okay.In the end I figured it was a good choice to work for 6 hours today because it kept me from thinking about my mom all the time.

I've had my cell phone with me hoping, praying that no one would call since I figured if anyone called before 6pm then there would be only bad news. At 5 pm my phone rang but it was a friend of mine. Then in the middle of that conversation someone else called but it was only my aunt. We talked for an hour and 5 minutes after I got off the phone with my aunt my stepfather called.

When I answered the phone I thought something bad had happend because his voice where so different but the surgery was a success and my mom is now awake and she's on analgesic. She is going to be out of intensive care by tomorrow and I'll see if it's possible to go and see her on Thursday.

I know she want to see the kids but I don't think it's time for that right now but I'll take them to see her next week.

I'm still shaking and I feel that I need to sit down and just break down into tears. I've forced myself to not cry but I definitly need to do that now.

Dogs and horses - and lots of 'em!

I took the kids to see my mom and sister today. My husband was supposed to come with us - heck, it was his idea - but he caught a cold yesterday and he stayed at home instead. What is it about men - well, at least my husband - who act like they are dying once they get a cold? ;)


Before going to the track we went to pick up my mom and after the initial chock of 4 happy dogs greeting you at the door my daughter took her time to cuddle with Bella. I guess that if it had been up to my daughter we would have to bring that dog home with us! My mom has a kennel and now and then when we stop by they have a bunch of puppies and they are so cute! I'm not getting a dog when my children are this young because it would not be fair to the dog because I don't have the time I need to take care of a dog right now.

Anyway. My sister started in one race today (#2) and she actually won the race and 1200 SEK (1 USD = 7.1 SEK) which is pretty good for a days work! :) I saw the photo of her at the finishing line and she was pretty happy with this big victory gesture! :D She did great and this was her last time racing a pony and she is now moving on to bigger horses. What a great way to finish that part of her career racing small horses!

This is so typical of my sister.. it's her trying to hide her face.. actually - she did a pretty good job! Now let me introduce you to the horse Hampus and riding the horse is my son! The first time he rode today was when my sister took him and the horse for a walk. She was in charge of pony riding for kids after her race. Later on when we got back my sister asked me if I could take over because she had to go do something and I ended up doing her job for 45 minutes but she got paid for it! :D

My son came back twice to ride the horse again. I'm really glad that my mom lives an hour away because otherwise my son would now be a permanent guest at the stable where my sister is working! ;)

Life - the ultimate roller coaster ride

Another phone call and today it was from my mother. I got a text message from her yesterday that she wanted to know if we where going to be at home today because she needed to talk to me. When she called she told me that she is now waiting for an operation but it wasn’t on her toe. She went to the hospital a few days ago and there they saw that the main artery is completely blocked and they have to go in at the belly button and somehow replace the artery from there down to both her legs. This condition is also hereditary and me, my siblings and my kids should go and see a doctor. My mom has been calling relatives since she found out to see if anyone has even heard of this or had any problems themselves but so far no one has even heard of it.

She didn’t say anything about the risks of this operation but I’m scared to death. My younger sister is only 15 – exactly the same age I was when my stepfather (and my sister’s father) died. Now all we can do is to wait for her to get the time and date for the operation and hope for the best…

Birthday party

My kids cousin turned 11 today and what do you know? When we woke up this morning we still didn't have a birthday present for him or his younger brother - we couldn't go to that party since we where on holiday at the time.

So we got the kids in the car and drove 25 minutes to the nearest mall and got some gifts for the boys and also clotes for our kids and went to the party.

Grandma and grandpa where at the party when we arrived and they took the opportunity to cuddle with two of their grandchildren. My son is on the right trying to escape from grandpa. :D




My daughter found her one year older cousin to help her with the swing. They both loved it!




I was trying to get my daughter to pose for the camera but she had more interesting stuff to do - run around and play and trying to take a swim in a little pond but I was able to get her to sit still for aproximatly the 5 seconds it took for me to take this pic. I was trying to get more pics of my son but he disapeared somewhere and was not seen until it was time for us to go home.

It must have been a very busy day for this young girl...

Pic time! :D

Bathtime! Erik and Emma are taking baths outside before going to bed.

This is me and my daughter Emma (on the left) and the baby is the daughter of a childhood friend that I went to see yesterday.





Sorry about the dark pic but let me introduce you all to my sister! She's the best sister you can ever imagine and when my kids are in their teens I want them to be like her! :D







My daugher Emma found somewhere to cuddle when she was tired. Emma used to follow her aunt around the house when she was visiting.

only if you like Stargate :D

Update on my mom: she's doing a little better. I'm not going to tell what happend with her toe today.. just trust me when I say she is doing a little better.

And something else! This is so exciting! I got myself a new toy. It's a SonyEricsson k801i CyberShot (cell phone) and keeping with the tradition set by my husband whom is calling his SonyEricson w810i 'Sam' (Stargate SG-1 "Samantha Carter) I'm now calling my phone 'John' (Stargate Atlantis "John Shepard").

Next I'll have to figure out what to name my computer and the family car as well! Yeah I know it's silly but it's fun!

She's in pain!

My sister was online on MSN today and she wanted to come over and visit for a while and that was fine by me. I called our mom to talk to her about this but when she answered the phone I thought she was drunk! I could hardly tell it was my mother I was talking to!

About a month ago she got a blood clot in one of her toes and she was given morphine to ease the pain and her doctor told her they might have to remove her toe. It's now been almost 6 weeks since she first started to experience the pain in her toe and she's been to see serveral doctors and she has made a lot of trips to the emergency room but now they refuse to remove her toe and the pain is getting worse.

Half of that toe is dead and she's in even more pain but all they do it so give her more and more morphine! The drug is making her dizzy and she feels very sick. On Friday she has yet another appointment with a doctor and they are going to examine the toe once more and this time I really hope they remove it so that my mom can finally be free from all this pain.The reason to why they refuse to surgically remove it is because [they say] that the body will take care of the problem but I doubt that very much and it's not humane to let her suffer like this!