I'm not sure that I will even be able to put down in writing how I'm feeling right now.
I've had my concerns regarding my daughter and today I called my mother-in-law and she told me that my daughter is throwing up a lot and sufferes from stomache aches a lot. I've come to notice this too and she also told me of a lot of other things she had seen and that along with everything that my soon to be ex-husband did to me over the past 9 years made me contact the authorities dealing with children and I've now made a formal complaint regarding the father of my children. I was shaking and crying through out the entire conversation but hopefully he'll get some help to deal with his issues and I can possibly get someone to help my daughter.
This past Friday I also found out that he's seing someone new and today I found out that he's been seeing her for more than 3 weeks now. I'm glad to be rid of him so why does it hurt to find out that he has someone new in his life? I would never ever take him back! But still it hurt.
29 July 2008
21 June 2008
Signing on..
We moved to our new apartment a week ago today and I'm surprised myself that I've been able to deal with all of this as well as I have lately. My children are doing fine most of the time. Emma does tend to scream a lot more and she's testing me to the extreme at times and Eric is more sensitive than her and he cries more easily.
The thing I was the most worried about was not knowing if I was going to be able to cope with two small children on my own but I felt just as lonely while I was still living with their father. In some way I guess I feel a little happier now. Maybe not happier but more at peace...
The thing I was the most worried about was not knowing if I was going to be able to cope with two small children on my own but I felt just as lonely while I was still living with their father. In some way I guess I feel a little happier now. Maybe not happier but more at peace...
26 May 2008
Apartment sorted.
I got a call this past Friday about the apartment and it’s mine. It felt like a huge load had been lifted from my shoulders and we’re now moving in about 2-3 weeks. My dad called and offered me his kitchen table, couch and two chairs along with his desk, my mom had been looking for an excuse to buy a new TV so I’m getting her old TV and she is also going to buy something to place it on. A friend has a couple of beds that he needs to get rid of and I’m getting one for myself – everything is more or less taken care of.
But like I wrote to a friend of mine today, all this stress has started to affect my short term memory. I can make plans with someone and then forget what we talked about only an hour or so later. A few days ago I was driving down the freeway like I have done so many times and I missed my exit. I had to keep on driving for more than 30 kilometers before I could find somewhere to get off and to turn back. On top of that I was running out of gas and I didn’t even know if I was going to make it to the next gas station. Luckily I did and we got home safe and sound but an hour later than we were supposed to.
I’ve had the best help I can get from friends and family but I still feel so alone and vulnerable. I don’t know when I’ve slept for more than a few hours at the time at night. The other night I woke up at 4 am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I worry about my children and how am I going to be able to take care of them as a single parent. Anyone who knows my daughter can vouch for me when I say that I have a wonderful daughter but she does have a temper like nothing you’ve ever seen before. My son is more delicate. He’s emotional and he is beginning to withdraw himself from everyone. Emma on the other hand couldn’t care less of what is going on but she’s not even 4 so she doesn’t understand but Eric is 7 and he does understand a lot more.
Last night both of my children fell asleep on the couch so we all slept there that night. My back was sore when I woke up but my children really needed to be close to a parent that night so I decided not to take them back to their beds as soon as they had fallen asleep next to me.
But like I wrote to a friend of mine today, all this stress has started to affect my short term memory. I can make plans with someone and then forget what we talked about only an hour or so later. A few days ago I was driving down the freeway like I have done so many times and I missed my exit. I had to keep on driving for more than 30 kilometers before I could find somewhere to get off and to turn back. On top of that I was running out of gas and I didn’t even know if I was going to make it to the next gas station. Luckily I did and we got home safe and sound but an hour later than we were supposed to.
I’ve had the best help I can get from friends and family but I still feel so alone and vulnerable. I don’t know when I’ve slept for more than a few hours at the time at night. The other night I woke up at 4 am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I worry about my children and how am I going to be able to take care of them as a single parent. Anyone who knows my daughter can vouch for me when I say that I have a wonderful daughter but she does have a temper like nothing you’ve ever seen before. My son is more delicate. He’s emotional and he is beginning to withdraw himself from everyone. Emma on the other hand couldn’t care less of what is going on but she’s not even 4 so she doesn’t understand but Eric is 7 and he does understand a lot more.
Last night both of my children fell asleep on the couch so we all slept there that night. My back was sore when I woke up but my children really needed to be close to a parent that night so I decided not to take them back to their beds as soon as they had fallen asleep next to me.
20 May 2008
Update
I tried calling the land lord this past Thursday but they refused to tell me if the problem with the neighbour was going to get resolved in the near future but I was given a phone number to the man in charge of that neighbourhood. When I called this man I was told that this next door neighbour has been evicted and he is moving out in about a month so I decided to take the apartment.
That same evening I had to tell my children that we are moving. It’s not fair that I had to do all that on my own. I couldn’t help it but I started crying and even though my daughter flat out yelled that she didn’t want to see her daddy I had to try to keep a positive vibe to it all. Of course they are going to see their father as much as possible and the reason to why we’re separating is that mom and dad are only fighting these days and that it’s better for everyone that we live separately but that we still love our children very much.
Eric is talking about moving a lot. It seems like he is looking forward to it. Emma doesn’t say that much but I’ve notice this past few months that my children have changed. Eric is more withdrawn and cries a lot and Emma insists on sleeping on the couch with me and not in her own bed. I can’t say if I’ve seen changes in them these past few days.
I feel like the bad guy here. I can’t say that this separation was my idea or if it was something that had to be done anyway. It was probably a little bit of both.
I still worry about how we’re going to be able to deal with everything as soon as this is over. I’m going to be all alone with my children and I alone have to answer all of their questions and being a single parent full time.
That same evening I had to tell my children that we are moving. It’s not fair that I had to do all that on my own. I couldn’t help it but I started crying and even though my daughter flat out yelled that she didn’t want to see her daddy I had to try to keep a positive vibe to it all. Of course they are going to see their father as much as possible and the reason to why we’re separating is that mom and dad are only fighting these days and that it’s better for everyone that we live separately but that we still love our children very much.
Eric is talking about moving a lot. It seems like he is looking forward to it. Emma doesn’t say that much but I’ve notice this past few months that my children have changed. Eric is more withdrawn and cries a lot and Emma insists on sleeping on the couch with me and not in her own bed. I can’t say if I’ve seen changes in them these past few days.
I feel like the bad guy here. I can’t say that this separation was my idea or if it was something that had to be done anyway. It was probably a little bit of both.
I still worry about how we’re going to be able to deal with everything as soon as this is over. I’m going to be all alone with my children and I alone have to answer all of their questions and being a single parent full time.
15 May 2008
Pay It Forward
I will send a handmade gift to the first 3 people who leave a comment on my blog requesting to join this PIF exchange. I don't know what that gift will be yet and you may not receive it tomorrow or next week, but you will receive it within 365 days, that is my promise! The only thing you have to do in return is pay it forward by making the same promise on your blog.
De tre första som lämnar en kommentar till detta inlägg kommer att få ett paket med någonting som jag har gjort och som det står i texten ovan: Kanske inte imorgon eller om en vecka, men du kommer att få ett litet paket inom 365 dagar, det lovar jag och allt du behöver göra är att skicka vidare genom att lova samma sak på din blogg samt såklart lämna en kommentar här!
De tre första som lämnar en kommentar till detta inlägg kommer att få ett paket med någonting som jag har gjort och som det står i texten ovan: Kanske inte imorgon eller om en vecka, men du kommer att få ett litet paket inom 365 dagar, det lovar jag och allt du behöver göra är att skicka vidare genom att lova samma sak på din blogg samt såklart lämna en kommentar här!
How much more..
must I endure?
At times I don't feel that I can go on a minute longer. I cry myself to sleep at night and yesterday evening I broke down. I couldn't figure out how to support myself and my two children on the money I get every month. At the moment I'm doing alright but that will only last for a couple of months. I stopped looking at one bedroom apartments and went on to look for a studio. I broke down in tears in front of a friend yesterday but by the end of that conversation I was told that if I ever need help with paying my rent or buying groceries they know of an organisation that is willing to help me out until we can get back on our feet. A huge load was lifted from my shoulders and I'm now looking for slightly larger apartments again as per instructed.
I found one today and I was so happy about it. It's a little out of my price range but the electricity was included in the rent. I went to take a look and it's absolutely great - apart from one small detail: the next door neighbour. After being told what goes on at the apartment next door at night I've decided not to take that apartment and I'm now again looking for somewhere to stay.
At least I've got school and daycare figured out already.
At times I don't feel that I can go on a minute longer. I cry myself to sleep at night and yesterday evening I broke down. I couldn't figure out how to support myself and my two children on the money I get every month. At the moment I'm doing alright but that will only last for a couple of months. I stopped looking at one bedroom apartments and went on to look for a studio. I broke down in tears in front of a friend yesterday but by the end of that conversation I was told that if I ever need help with paying my rent or buying groceries they know of an organisation that is willing to help me out until we can get back on our feet. A huge load was lifted from my shoulders and I'm now looking for slightly larger apartments again as per instructed.
I found one today and I was so happy about it. It's a little out of my price range but the electricity was included in the rent. I went to take a look and it's absolutely great - apart from one small detail: the next door neighbour. After being told what goes on at the apartment next door at night I've decided not to take that apartment and I'm now again looking for somewhere to stay.
At least I've got school and daycare figured out already.
11 May 2008
It's over now.
Tonight I confronted him with all the evidence I had on him. He had every chance to come clean before I did this but he just flat out denied everything. He never showed any remorse or took any responsibility for his actions what so ever.
I have no idea of how to tell my children that mom and dad are getting divorced and that we're moving to a new city and they have to change school/pre-school because of all this.
At some point I have to stop crying but I'm not there yet...
I have no idea of how to tell my children that mom and dad are getting divorced and that we're moving to a new city and they have to change school/pre-school because of all this.
At some point I have to stop crying but I'm not there yet...
13 April 2008
Heaven's little angel..
I just got the news that Engla was found dead earlier today.The man who was suspected of taking her - the same person who owned the car that was photographed, the same person who lives just a few hundred meter from where I work told the police that he killed her and he showed them where she was buried. He also admitted killing another woman in 2000 only 20 kilometers from where I live.
Apparently they found her body only a few kilometers from my house and her cell-phone in an area where a friend of mine lives.
http://www.thelocal.se/11082/20080413/
I knew that he was in custody this past Friday when I called my son's school and told them that he could start walking home as I was driving home from work. When my son was halfway home I met up with him and picked up his school bag and he wanted to walk the rest of the way. I picked up my daughter from preschool and as I was getting out of my car I saw my son come walking down the road. As he came up to me he told me that he had met an older man walking with a boy and this man had apparently asked my son if he wanted to follow this man home. My son gave me a description of this man so I belive it to be true.
The thing is that kids here are allowed to play outside without supervision when they are as young as 6-7 years old and it's no big deal but now I don't know if I can ever let him go outside to play or walk home from school on his own. A few days ago my son asked if I could drive him to his school because he wanted to look for Engla's bicycle as it was missing. He's been asking about her every day since this happend and only moments ago I had to go downstairs to tell him that they had found this girl and that she was dead. It just broke my heart.
Apparently they found her body only a few kilometers from my house and her cell-phone in an area where a friend of mine lives.
http://www.thelocal.se/11082/20080413/
I knew that he was in custody this past Friday when I called my son's school and told them that he could start walking home as I was driving home from work. When my son was halfway home I met up with him and picked up his school bag and he wanted to walk the rest of the way. I picked up my daughter from preschool and as I was getting out of my car I saw my son come walking down the road. As he came up to me he told me that he had met an older man walking with a boy and this man had apparently asked my son if he wanted to follow this man home. My son gave me a description of this man so I belive it to be true.
The thing is that kids here are allowed to play outside without supervision when they are as young as 6-7 years old and it's no big deal but now I don't know if I can ever let him go outside to play or walk home from school on his own. A few days ago my son asked if I could drive him to his school because he wanted to look for Engla's bicycle as it was missing. He's been asking about her every day since this happend and only moments ago I had to go downstairs to tell him that they had found this girl and that she was dead. It just broke my heart.
12 April 2008
I knew something was wrong...
My son’s teacher came up to me last semester and told me that she could see improvements in my son’s reading but as time progressed I’ve been having this nagging feeling that something was wrong. A few weeks ago I was sitting in the living room and I could hear my son doing his homework and his father was there to read with him. I didn’t pay much attention to what was going on but my son came over to me a few minutes later and I thought I should take a look myself and see if his reading was coming along.
It didn’t take more than a few minutes for me to figure out that my son was cheating while doing his homework. It was hard to tell at first but eventually I noticed that he was letting me to the reading – or sounding the letters in the words for him and by this making everyone think that he was reading.
My husband had the opportunity to talk with one of our son’s teachers this past week and that very same day they had performed a study on every child to see how they were doing and as I suspected my son wasn’t doing that good. As of a few days ago I have been making games and worksheets for my son and we’re working and playing with these to help him and it has to be fun.
I’m going to see if I can get a chance to talk to my son’s teacher in a few weeks to see if they have noticed any improvements by then. Because my husband is dyslectic I knew that one or both of my children could grow up to have the same disability themselves and that is why I chose to take a specific course when I was studying to get my degree in teaching and today I’m so very thankful that I got the opportunity do to that because I feel that I’m more prepared to help my child today than I would have been without the knowledge I got while taking this class.
It didn’t take more than a few minutes for me to figure out that my son was cheating while doing his homework. It was hard to tell at first but eventually I noticed that he was letting me to the reading – or sounding the letters in the words for him and by this making everyone think that he was reading.
My husband had the opportunity to talk with one of our son’s teachers this past week and that very same day they had performed a study on every child to see how they were doing and as I suspected my son wasn’t doing that good. As of a few days ago I have been making games and worksheets for my son and we’re working and playing with these to help him and it has to be fun.
I’m going to see if I can get a chance to talk to my son’s teacher in a few weeks to see if they have noticed any improvements by then. Because my husband is dyslectic I knew that one or both of my children could grow up to have the same disability themselves and that is why I chose to take a specific course when I was studying to get my degree in teaching and today I’m so very thankful that I got the opportunity do to that because I feel that I’m more prepared to help my child today than I would have been without the knowledge I got while taking this class.
06 April 2008
I'm not obsessed. I promise!
My mom and my sister have both been bugging me to do some work on two websites and they had every right to do so. I was supposed to do this a long time ago but I'd always forgotten to do what I promised to do.
The problem is that I have everything I need but not all in one computer. I've got different programs in either computer and photos in three (some in my husband's computer too). I've got e-mail with instructions on one computer and my ftp-program on the other... you get the drift.
To make a long story short - no one has been able to sit down and eat at our kitchen table and all parents out there cover your eyes now because I'm going to tell everyone that we've been sitting infront of the TV in the livingroom to eat today! :D I know. I'm a terrible mom!
It took me almost 10 hours to get most of the work done today and this is me signing off. *bye*
*goodnight*
and yes.. both computers are mine.. *still trying to convince everyone out there I'm not obsessed* ;)
04 April 2008
What is going on?
Since I started working at my last job I went to approximately 12-15 interviews for different jobs. And throughout all these 7 months I've been turned down for every one of them.
There was this job that I actually thought that I would get but in the end it turned out that they chose someone else and I was surprised when the same principal called a weeks later asking me to come in and talk to her about another job.
The thing is that I’ve applied for every job available in my area but I’m also figured out that I’ve been blacklisted because I stood up for my child’s rights and my former boss wasn’t to keen on that. This is the reason to why I was utterly floored the other day when I was offered a job only 12 kilometers from where I live and I accepted!
I started my new job this past Wednesday and yesterday everyone working in pre-school went to this amazing lecture! All of the principals were there too.
Today as I was getting ready to go home I noticed that a principal in my area had called but I couldn’t figure out which one. My boss have a number that ends with 25, my former boss – 26 and this number ended with 27. I had to look it up as soon as I got home and I saw that it was a boss that I had sent my CV too but this was a long time ago. I tried to call her back but she wasn’t available.
A few hours she did call back and she wants me to come in for this interview on Tuesday and the strange part is that she saw me yesterday when we were all at this lecture and she knew that I’m working in the general area and she knows that I’m substituting for 3-4 months but she wants to see me any way. This job that I’m interviewing for is a full time job and it’s a permanent job on top of that!
There was this job that I actually thought that I would get but in the end it turned out that they chose someone else and I was surprised when the same principal called a weeks later asking me to come in and talk to her about another job.
The thing is that I’ve applied for every job available in my area but I’m also figured out that I’ve been blacklisted because I stood up for my child’s rights and my former boss wasn’t to keen on that. This is the reason to why I was utterly floored the other day when I was offered a job only 12 kilometers from where I live and I accepted!
I started my new job this past Wednesday and yesterday everyone working in pre-school went to this amazing lecture! All of the principals were there too.
Today as I was getting ready to go home I noticed that a principal in my area had called but I couldn’t figure out which one. My boss have a number that ends with 25, my former boss – 26 and this number ended with 27. I had to look it up as soon as I got home and I saw that it was a boss that I had sent my CV too but this was a long time ago. I tried to call her back but she wasn’t available.
A few hours she did call back and she wants me to come in for this interview on Tuesday and the strange part is that she saw me yesterday when we were all at this lecture and she knew that I’m working in the general area and she knows that I’m substituting for 3-4 months but she wants to see me any way. This job that I’m interviewing for is a full time job and it’s a permanent job on top of that!
30 March 2008
Life, stuff and more.
Tomorrow is my last day of work at my old work-place and on Wednesday I'll start my new job. I'm both looking forward to starting this new job but I'm going to miss the kids a lot. I actually started crying the other day while I was saying goodbye to a little girl. I can't belive I've had that job for 7 months and now I'm leaving for a new preschool.
I'm not sure if I have written anything about how things are between my husband and myself. For a very long time we've been co-existing within the same space but we haven't even talked to each other or anything. A few days ago I simply lost my temper and told him if my husband wanted a divorce and a way out of this I could simply just print out the documents needed for a divorce and we'd be done. After that things have been a litte better and we can now even spend time in the same room. I'm still not sure of what I want to do.
And I turned 32 the other day. Yeehaa. Well.. almost. :) My kids gave me two cookbooks because they now that cookbooks are a real obsession of mine. Erik gave me one called "Barbeque" and Emma gave me "deserts". I just love my kids! :)
I'm not sure if I have written anything about how things are between my husband and myself. For a very long time we've been co-existing within the same space but we haven't even talked to each other or anything. A few days ago I simply lost my temper and told him if my husband wanted a divorce and a way out of this I could simply just print out the documents needed for a divorce and we'd be done. After that things have been a litte better and we can now even spend time in the same room. I'm still not sure of what I want to do.
And I turned 32 the other day. Yeehaa. Well.. almost. :) My kids gave me two cookbooks because they now that cookbooks are a real obsession of mine. Erik gave me one called "Barbeque" and Emma gave me "deserts". I just love my kids! :)
28 January 2008
You are going home.
I got a text message this morning telling me that our prophet died only an hour and a half earlier. It’s truly a great loss and he will be missed. He was a man that touched a lot of people and a lot of hearts but now he is going home to our Father to live with him and he is going home to meet his wife again.
The world is a lesser place without you President Hinckley.
The world is a lesser place without you President Hinckley.
21 January 2008
Twinkle twinkle little star
What can I say? It’s like living on a never ending rollercoaster ride! Thank goodness there is some good news that comes with that. I managed to call my unemployment office while coughing like mad. I don’t have to take that job that I interviewed for last week! And knowing that has made my life so much easier – I can’t tell you!
There is still a lot going on at work and the only way I see out of that problem is to quit. I’d like to do that but as long as I don’t have another job I’m going to have to stick with what I’ve got at the moment. Not exactly what I’ve dreamt of but what can I do?
There are more good news! To me it feels like yesterday but 9 years ago I started the long and tedious job of filling out a ton of paperwork only to go to the States to work as an au-pair. In November I saw this agency looking for people to perform interviews for this kind of work and I applied but I didn’t think much more of it until they actually called me back last week and offered me the job! And today I got my first call-sheet and I am going to call this girl tomorrow and book an interview with her. If this goes well I will also get applicants for high school to interview. I know this is just a part-time job but it will be a much appreciated addition to our vacation- or Christmas fund.
Oh and I talked to Aaron the other day! I still can’t believe I found this friend of mine! I thought I would never get to talk to him again but somehow he is back in my life and I could not be happier!
There is still a lot going on at work and the only way I see out of that problem is to quit. I’d like to do that but as long as I don’t have another job I’m going to have to stick with what I’ve got at the moment. Not exactly what I’ve dreamt of but what can I do?
There are more good news! To me it feels like yesterday but 9 years ago I started the long and tedious job of filling out a ton of paperwork only to go to the States to work as an au-pair. In November I saw this agency looking for people to perform interviews for this kind of work and I applied but I didn’t think much more of it until they actually called me back last week and offered me the job! And today I got my first call-sheet and I am going to call this girl tomorrow and book an interview with her. If this goes well I will also get applicants for high school to interview. I know this is just a part-time job but it will be a much appreciated addition to our vacation- or Christmas fund.
Oh and I talked to Aaron the other day! I still can’t believe I found this friend of mine! I thought I would never get to talk to him again but somehow he is back in my life and I could not be happier!
11 January 2008
Falling apart
I broke down in tears last night. I don’t know for how much longer I can take it. Everything that has been going on at my job, when it comes to my relationship to my husband and now also the governments rules regarding all of us with no job or only a part time job.
On Monday I’m supposed to visit a school an hour drive away. The job that I’m interviewing for is only for 4 hours a day and I’m supposed to work between 2-6 pm. I can’t do that since I have to pick up my children before 6:30 at the latest and I can’t just take my kids and move to a new city for a job that will only last for 4 months! I can never get a new apartment or childcare in time for that job to start but if I don’t take it I’ll loose my unemployment cheque and I would have no income to live on.
I don’t sleep. I don’t eat and every night I start crying. I don’t know for how long I can go on without falling apart.
On Monday I’m supposed to visit a school an hour drive away. The job that I’m interviewing for is only for 4 hours a day and I’m supposed to work between 2-6 pm. I can’t do that since I have to pick up my children before 6:30 at the latest and I can’t just take my kids and move to a new city for a job that will only last for 4 months! I can never get a new apartment or childcare in time for that job to start but if I don’t take it I’ll loose my unemployment cheque and I would have no income to live on.
I don’t sleep. I don’t eat and every night I start crying. I don’t know for how long I can go on without falling apart.
01 January 2008
A new beginning
It's almost 11 am and I'm sitting here thinking about the year that ended not even 12 hours ago. It's been a year with lots of ups and downs. In January I got a call from someone of whom I was a fan of when I was 8 and today he's my boss. I couldn't belive it that a famous person would actually call my house. Not only is he my boss today but I also have what lots of his fans out there want - his phone numbers. *lol*
In February I got a job as a pre-school teacher and that job ended at the end of May. In September I got a new job again and that job ended not that many days ago.
This past summer was really rough on me. My husband and I had been fighting a lot and we drifted apart so one day I just broke down and left everyone and everything for two days. At the moment I still don't see much of a change in our relationship and I have begun to question various parts of my life.
With that said. Today is a new day, a new year and it should be a new beginning. I have but one New Years resolution and no. It's not loosing weight or anything because I'm already doing that. *S* My resolusion is to take up my writing again and next to me there is a book. In this book I wrote down I dream I had in April of 1998 (on the 12th as a matter of fact). I've shown this text to a couple of people and I more and more feel that I need to get it down in writing in a more proper way that a few scribblings after I woke up in the middle of the night after having this dream.
I would encourage everyone to do something for someone this coming year but do it anonymously - be someone's secret Santa and make sure you show everyone you love and care about that you will always be there for them when they need a shoulder to cry on or simply someone to talk to.
In February I got a job as a pre-school teacher and that job ended at the end of May. In September I got a new job again and that job ended not that many days ago.
This past summer was really rough on me. My husband and I had been fighting a lot and we drifted apart so one day I just broke down and left everyone and everything for two days. At the moment I still don't see much of a change in our relationship and I have begun to question various parts of my life.
With that said. Today is a new day, a new year and it should be a new beginning. I have but one New Years resolution and no. It's not loosing weight or anything because I'm already doing that. *S* My resolusion is to take up my writing again and next to me there is a book. In this book I wrote down I dream I had in April of 1998 (on the 12th as a matter of fact). I've shown this text to a couple of people and I more and more feel that I need to get it down in writing in a more proper way that a few scribblings after I woke up in the middle of the night after having this dream.
I would encourage everyone to do something for someone this coming year but do it anonymously - be someone's secret Santa and make sure you show everyone you love and care about that you will always be there for them when they need a shoulder to cry on or simply someone to talk to.
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