I was just watching an episode of Private Practice and if you don't want to read any spoilers - stop reading this post here and now..
Anyway. This episode was dealing with Violet's struggle to work through a crisis and also struggling with her feelings - or lack of - for her son.
And it felt like someone punched me really hard in my stomache and I couldn't breath!
Nine years ago I went through a traumatic experience and during that same period I had a child - my firstborn, my wonderful son but I wasn't the picture perfect mom as everyone expects you to be and talking or admitting that you feel this way was something you did not talk about - ever!
I did the right things: I fed him, I changed his diaper, took care of his clothes, took walks but with everything that had happen I had a difficult time to connect emotionally with the whole situation. I had a hard time calling myself "mom" and I loved this child but I was not IN love with him so to speak.
It took such a long time for everything to change and even longer for me to feel that I was a good mom and to get over my guilt for not having these maternal feeling from the moment he was born and it still pains me to this day to think about those months 9 years ago because I feel that someone stole them from me and I can never get that back no matter how hard I try!
I love my son more than anything in this world and I'm so proud to be his mother and I tell him that every single day. Not a day goes by without me telling him how proud I am of him and how lucky I have to have him in my life.
My bonds with both of my children are incrediably strong and I couldn't have asked for better children and I know I'm a fantastic mom to these kids. I do make mistakes and I do have flaws like everyone else but you know what - I'm still a fantastic mom! :)
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